


A Trip to the Desert

by Mauisse_Flowers



Series: Adventures in Self-Inserts. Or "Hannah's Worlds" [2]
Category: The Mummy (1999)
Genre: Gen, Self-Insert, We didn't ask for this shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-16 08:33:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11824995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mauisse_Flowers/pseuds/Mauisse_Flowers
Summary: From day one of self-insert week 2017, me and uruvielnumenesse get stuck in the middle of the Mummy's bullshit.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [uruvielnumenesse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/uruvielnumenesse/gifts).



"Ugh." Hannah wipes at her forehead, regretting bringing her camera with how it scrapped against her neck. She's wheezing and struggling hard not to stop and chug her water. "Do we have to do this today?"

Noemi looks over her shoulder at Hannah. "C'mon! Don't you want to see the pyramids before the crowds get here?"

"It's noon!" Hannah finally stops, bending over to grip her knees, sucking in breaths. "No one's gonna be here 'til 3, when it cools off!"

"Exactly!"

Noemi walks back to Hannah, winded but too excited to slow down. They were trying to get to the lookout point where people got a clear view of Giza's six pyramids. Hannah had wanted to leave as soon as they woke up that morning but ended up sidetracked by trying to haggle for a pair of glass cat earrings, then the bus they were taking to the halfway point broke down halfway there and here the two were, one really fucking tired and the other too determined to give up.

"We are going and drinking all the wine when we get back." Hannah whines.

"Are you even legal here?"

"I don't know and I don't fucking care. This is Egypt. Not America."

Noemi rolls her eyes and holds out the blonde's water bottle. "Drink. You get bitchy when dehydrated."

"I get  _headaches_ when dehydrated." Hannah takes the water anyway, pacing herself forcefully. "Fucking dumbass buses...."

Noemi laughs.

* * *

They arrive at the lookout ten minutes later. Hannah pulls the giant, gauzy, dark blue scarf that she'd bought the day before tighter around her head and upper body. She makes sure to smooth sunscreen over her face and her hands and up to her upper arms.

"So what now?" Hannah asks as Noemi leans against the railing, grinning at the six giant, crumbling pyramids in the distance. Noemi looks over at Hannah as she lifts her camera to the brunette. "Want me to take a photo of you standing in front of the pyramids?"

"Great idea! I'll take one of you too."

"Maybe we can hang around for someone to show up and wait to get a photo together." Hannah adds wryly.

Noemi sighs, finally getting tired of her friend's attitude. "Can you lighten up? I know it's hot and you hate heat, but you're the one who pushed for this trip. You raised most of the money and begged your dad for help for it. If you didn't want it, you shouldn't have come."

"I wanted to come!" Hannah says, voice hitting two octaves higher and sounding especially whiny, throwing up her hands. "But not at 12! I said we should come back another day! Walk back to our hotel and go find a marketplace or do something else instead."

Noemi presses her lips together. "You're ruining this."

"Sure. Of course I am." Hannah replied petulantly, moving to lean against the railing. "I ruin everything."

Noemi sighs. "No, you don't ruin everything. You actually make a lot of boring things fun. It's your attitude, right this second, that's ruining today." After a moment, she adds, "You're acting like a stuck up, rich, white bitch."

Hannah winces. Noemi crosses her arms. "Exactly. We paid the bus to bring us here and back and it got us halfway here. The guy apologized and refunded our money, so we have around, like, 50 bucks for another day. We have two weeks left in Egypt and I'm going to have as much fun as I can, and if I lose weight and get an awesome tan while here? Sweet."

Hannah sighs, closes her eyes. "Fine." She stands straight, moves to stand a couple feet back and turns on her camera. "Move."

Noemi looks a little surprised at her friend's change in attitude, moving into position. "You're over it just like that?"

"You should know me better by now." Hannah shakes her head. "You're having fun an' I may be angry but I'm not gonna ruin it for you." _More than I already have_ , goes unsaid. Hannah can open up only so much. "A little to the left. Blocking most of the biggest pyramid."

Noemi moves until she gets a thumbs up from Hannah. The younger girl then takes a few photos, asking for a smile or a goofy look for each.

"Lemme take a couple of you!" Noemi rushes forward, reaching for the camera.

"Okay, okay. Be careful. This is expensive and old."

Hannah laughs a little, passing the camera to Noemi. She moves to stand where she'd had Noemi, bundled in her scarf wrap and starting to look happy despite the midday heat causing her to sweat like a pig. When they got back to the hotel, she planned on taking an ice cold bath, maybe with some scented candles.

"Gimme a goofy look." Noemi prompts. Hannah has to think for a moment then puffs out her cheeks, purses her lips in a fish kiss, and pulls up her eyelids. She looks insane and Noemi takes the photo with a grin. "Amazing."

They finish and sit on the sandy ground. "So you brought lunch right?" Hannah asks, looking at the small backpack Noemi had.

"Duh."

Noemi slings off the bag. "Unlike you I'm prepared for all occasions. Plus we planned to eat sandwiches all this week to save money."

"Amen." Hannah pulls her purse around and pulls out two of the four extra bottles she'd packed for the day.

They eat their sandwiches quietly, taking sips of water. Hannah stays as far under her cover as possible while Noemi enjoys the sun and heat. Then they pack up and begin to head back.

"I'm still so angry about this."

"A bus will come by eventually." Noemi points out. "Don't worry."

"Don't worry." Hannah airquotes. "I hope we get to that halfway point we all had to trek to."

"Where you bought the extra water?"

"Yeah. It was the only one."

"True."

"Do you think camels would have been cheaper?"

Noemi snorts. "No."

"Hm."

They stop at one point because Hannah is close to tears with how much her legs hurt.

"How the hell did you hike the Appalachian Trail for five days?" Noemi asks her.

"I don't know." Hannah shrugs sadly. "I was sick for half of it."

Noemi gives her a flat look, about to say something, when both notice a small group of people ahead. They look to be on horses.

"Oh my god." Both say.

"What if they're sex traffickers?" Noemi asks.

"I'd rather not dwell on that idea." Hannah frowns. "Is it possible to go around them?"

"Not without getting lost in the desert."

"Fuck."

"Exactly."

The two decide to keep walking. If they ignore the horse-riding group they might get lucky. Either that or it's a rich posse and they're willing to give the two a lift back to the city. It means going back to the pyramids first, but it'd be worth it.

As they get closer, the duo notice the group is in black robes and have tattoos on their face. Hannah stops walking suddenly, fixes her glasses, and narrows her eyes.

"One of them looks like Oded Fehr."

"Oded who?" Noemi looks at Hannah like she'd lost her mind while the blonde looks on.

"He played the hot love interest to Mila in the Resident Evil films. Was also Ardeth Bey in the Mummy movies."

"First, you just "movie" and "film" like they mean different things. Second, why they hell would that hottie be out here?"

Hannah shrugs. "I dunno? He's dressed like Ardeth so maybe they're finally shooting the third Mummy movie."

"I can only hope." Noemi mumbles. "That 'third' was a disaster."

Hannah pats her best friend on the shoulder. "We don't talk about that one, remember. It doesn't exist."

"Yeh."

"Sooo," Hannah pauses for a moment, "call for help?"

"Call for help."

They wave their hands, yelling, "Hey! Right here! We need help!"

* * *

Hannah doesn't know how this happened so fast but one second they were getting a lift back into town by Oded and his friends (and sticking so in character it was scary) the next they're dropping them off, saying they don't have time to help wayward [insert Hebrew word that sounded suspiciously like an insult here], and leaving them with five miles left until Giza.

"Thanks, assholes!" Noemi yells, wanting to throw her backpack at them even as they raced away. "I'm never watching one of your movies again!"

Hannah isn't as fearful, taking one of the water bottles and chucking the damn thing. It just barely grazes one of the horses.

"We need that!"

"I'm going to get it don't worry." Hannah huffs, stumping for the bottle. She snatches it up from the sand with a lot of grumbling, pulling her scarf tighter around her. "What a buncha  _pricks_. Couldn't even give us their real names." As she heads back to Noemi, she snarks, "'I am Ardeth Bey. This is my brother blah, blah, blah.' Thanks so god _damn **much**!_ "

The two stand there for several long moments, calming down, then begin walking the direction they'd been heading. They can see the city up ahead now, thankfully. So they couldn't accidentally get lost. Their only issue was getting to the goddamn city.

"I wish I had sunscreen." Noemi murmurs.

"I have some. I have an extra scarf too."

She pulls the items from her bag and gives Noemi the sunscreen first, helping lather it into her back, over the back of her neck, and along her shoulders. After Noemi finishes with her arms, neck, and face, she takes the scarf and wraps it around her arms and pulls it over her head.

"No wonder you like this thing. I feel better already. And without sweating to death."

"Exactly. I accidentally left my Alice in Wonderland one back in the states, or I'd look much more fashionable and clearly American."

Noemi laughs despite the situation. "You'd look very dashing in that blue monstrosity."

"Hell yes I would." Hannah places her hands on her hips as she flamboyantly lifts her head. "I'm beautiful!"

They make it back faster than anticipated by keeping themselves distracted. But Giza isn't what they remember. There are street vendors, yes, but there isn't electricity. There's not air conditioning (Hannah wants to break down and cry).

It gets worse when they're hotel apparently doesn't exist and that means their luggage is gone ("I packed by fave socks though," Noemi whines.).

"This is bullshit." Hannah states, sitting on the steps of a different hostel. "We've been here two weeks now. They can't do this to us."

The torches are being lit now, lighting the open streets of Giza. She stares at it all, looking sad. "I can't believe this."

"At least we have food and some money that they'll take?" Noemi shrugs, looking at the handful of coins. "How's your Arabic?"

"The general Arabic?" Hannah asks. "I'm okay, I guess. I had a couple of friends who spoke it and they taught me, kept going on Duolingo."

"So passing." Noemi sighs. "I can say grandfather and daughter. That's about it."

"From my Darcy Lewis is Ardeth Bay's grandkid fic?" Hannah asks, smirking.

"Yep."

"We're fucked."

"Yup. Welcome to Pre-Modern Egypt, apparently."

"I think we're taking this surprisingly well for a pair of 21st Century, American girls."

"Our other option is having a mental breakdown and being put in a mental institute a la  _Alice Through the Looking Glass_  style."

Hannah has to give her that one. "So I guess we need to get jobs to save money to go home?"

"We don't have a home."

The blonde grimaces. "Yeah. And America is dealing with the Great Depression and Dust Bowl." She looks positively heartbroken. "I love Mumford & Sons and I won't get to hear them again."

"Don't our phones still work?"

Hannah reaches into her pocket, pulling it out. Her phone says 49% and she'd bet anything it wouldn't last longer in this heat.

"Probably not for too much longer." Hannah decides to turn hers off, having already attempted to call home with the SIM card she'd bought for in Africa and her actual SIM card. She always joked about wanting to go off the grid, but not literally planned to ever do it. "I can't believe this is our life. Over 20 years doing mundane shit and  _now_ we become time travelers."

"Better than if we were fifty and it happened." Noemi shrugs. "Lord of the Rings: Fun in theory, not in practice."

"Did you just indirectly reference the communism "good in theory, not in practice"?"

"I don't kiss and tell."

Despite the situation, Hannah started laughing. Noemi joined in. Then they were crying and hugging each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TAGS:  
> #MAUISSE WRITES  
> #THE MUMMY AU  
> #THE MUMMY X-OVER  
> #SO WE ENDED UP IN MUMMY EGYPT MAYBE THREE WEEKS BEFORE EVIE FINDS THE MAP TO HAMUNAPTRA  
> #WE SETTLE INTO CAIRO WELL ENOUGH BUT DON'T ACTUALLY SEE ANY OF THE CAST (EXCEPT THAT ONE TIME WE MET ARDETH)  
> #THEY FIGURED WE LOST OUR CAMELS OR SOME SHIT SINCE WE HAD A CAMERA AND WERE COMING FROM THE PYRAMIDS  
> #LEMME HAVE THIS OKAY  
> #I KNOW ITS MAYBE NOT HISTORICALLY ACCURATE  
> #ANYWAY WE ACCIDENTALLY RUN INTO EVIE & RICK & JOHNATHAN AS THEY'RE GETTING READY TO PACK UP TO GO TO HAMUNAPTRA  
> #WE TAG ALONG CLAIMING TO KNOW HOW TO GET THERE TO STOP THEM FROM AWAKENING IMHOTEP  
> #SPOILER ALERT: WE FUCKING F A I L  
> #NOEMI DIDN'T WANT TO GO AND I DIDN'T WANNA DEAL WITH LOCUS AND BOILS  
> #TELLS YOU RIGHT THERE WHO HAS THEIR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT  
> #ALSO OUR PHONES STILL DO SIRI AND GOOGLE AND OUR APPS BCS WHATEVER M A G I C THAT DID THIS ISN'T A COMPLETE ASSHOLE  
> #-CASUALLY GOOGLES HOW TO MAKE CHICKEN SOUP AS I SHOOT A MUMMY IN THE FACE-  
> #THE PHONE BATTERIES AREN'T GONNA DIE EITHER AHAH


	2. Chapter 2

“When I agreed to go to Egypt with you,” Hannah wheezes, rolling to avoid the blade being slung down to cut her in half, “I didn’t exactly agree to go back in time and  _fight an immortal mummy for your soul_.”

Noemi, chained to a stone slab, kicks the wailing mummy Anck-su-namun in the head. “And I didn’t ask Evie to read from that fucking book! But look what happened!”

“I don’t need to look!” She grabs the sword Imhotep had thrown from her, blocking a blow in time with a strangled scream. “Evie!”

“I’m trying!” Evie yells, wrestling for the book from one of the priests. Jonathan manages to get the bastard to let go and shoots him in the head with the gun Rick had given him. “Thank you, Jonathan!”

“Jesus didn’t die for this!” Noemi yells, kicking Anck-su-namun right in the chin, throwing her head back with a sickening crack.

Hannah rolls away, scrambling around the slab. She grabs Anck-su-namun by the ankles and yanks her down. If not for the fact she was running from the guy trying to kill her best friend, Hannah would take satisfaction in hearing her gurgly, grunting wail. “Jesus died to wash away this bitch’s sin. And _it didn’t work_.”

“Hey, ugly.”

She hears a shotgun and stumbles to a stand as Anck-su-namun whips around, lashing out with her ceremonial dagger. Hannah jumps back then kicks her in the face. She slings her sword down on the chains binding Noemi, who jumps up as Rick yells at them to run.

“I will once I get her free!” Hannah snaps, helping Noemi off. “I’m so pissed at you right now.” She tells her best friend. “You just  _had_ to take that ‘free trip’ into the desert. You just  _had_ to see the fucking lost city. Ugh!”

“You wanted mummies!”

“I wanted mummies in glass cases!”

“Same difference!”

“No! It’s not!”

This was going to be a long night. 


End file.
